Those words were the highlight of my first conversation with Barstool CEO Erika Nardini. I was midway through my first day in New York City, eating my $7 plate of lamb over rice from a street vendor when she walked up to the old Barstool office. I said hello. She looked directly at my food and said “You’re gonna get the shits.”
Welcome to Barstool.
And she was right.
It has been one month since I was plucked from the MyBookie daily gambling show by Dave Portnoy, in a hiring that can best be described as a stunt that my wife is ultimately OK with because she can now stop working. Within that month, I’ve adjusted to Barstool as best I could while blogging, putting out a daily gambling show and doing content like watching a 3-hour NASCAR race with Marty Mush. I’m incredibly likable and talented so things are going well.
Without giving away everything, here are some highlights from my first month at Barstool.
“Did you just try to fuckin’ hug me?”
I’d like it on the record that I did not, in fact, try to hug Portnoy during our first meeting. He initiated the conversation and upon approach he reached out his hand and his shoulders drooped, the universal signal for the bro hug. I thought we were handshake-half hugging. This is on him, not me.
Just be yourself
My first appearance with a live microphone for Barstool was on the Podfathers podcast. Chaps was telling me what to do and said ,”Be yourself.”
Me: “I’m kind of an asshole.”
During my first day at Barstool HQ, people took turns awkwardly approaching me and welcoming to the team. Others stayed away and made it known that I could go fuck myself. (Which I did later, because Barstool paid for a very nice hotel room and everyone knows that hotel masturbation is the absolute best.)
One of the awkward meetings, though, was with Mantis. I assume that’s what you all call him because he didn’t give me any other name. So Mantis walks up and we talk Mississippi, New York, and other pointless shit for about 10 seconds.
Mantis then starts this conversation.
Mantis: “So you may or may not notice. There’s something wrong with me.”
Me: “Well I don’t…”
Mantis: “It’s not a big deal. I just want to tell you about it so it’s not awkward.”
Me: “Ok whate…”
Mantis: “I was born with BDS. But I’m doing the best I can.”
Me: “BDS. I’m so sorry. What is it?”
Mantis: “Big Dick Syndrome.”
And he walked away. It was at that moment that I decided that I’d be a fan of Mantis.
Two weeks in, Portnoy wanted to see me and Marty Mush do some content together. So they put Mush and a cameraman on a plane and sent them to Mississippi. I met Marty at my studio and we watched the Geico 500, NASCAR’s latest Talladega race, together.
We also ate a southern lunch and went out to the farm to ride 4-wheelers. And then he left.
I’ve never been happier to see someone get on a plane.
Marty might be the most fascinating and frustrating human being I’ve ever met. Five minutes into our conversation, he looks out the windows of the SUV and says “I thought trees were going extinct.”
Me, looking dead into the camera: “What the fuck?”
For the next six hours, he shared is opinions on hummingbirds (“How does their throat hold up with all that humming?”), alligators (“If one starts chasing us, just zig-zag.”), and NASCAR (“When they stop for gas, do they turn the car off?). More of those adventure I believe will hit Barstool tomorrow.
After about six hours together, we both looked at each other and agreed we needed some space. I like the bastard but I kinda wanted to kill myself after being exposed to his brain for that long.
Regardless, it was good content. And I’m pretty sure the Mush-Walker combination will be doing plenty of work together in the future.
Before the guys left, we went to Arby’s.
And I got the shits again.