"For A Second I Think I'm Hallucinating Cause Of The Painkillers" - The Bookie Chronicles Volume 31
Welcome back my degenerate friends. Hopefully no one got murdered by their bookie this weekend literally or figuratively. Personally I was too drunk from watching the Cubs need 25 innings to score 1 goddamn run to remember too many details. HOWEVER, I did make my first fat finger mistake of the football season when I accidentally played the Oklahoma team over instead of the Game over. So I had OU at 51.5 instead of the game at 79.5 so I didn’t get to celebrate. Shit happens to me probably 5% of my bets I say because about 50% are put in while the sun is up and I’m bending my elbow on Clark street. It sucks and I gotta be better but then I remember that’s probably never gonna happen.
If you’re new here, we tell stories about being degenerate assholes. This is our 31st straight week. All prior versions are here:
This week we got: a guy with marriage problem, a big rift between two close friends, a WILD mistake by Las Vegas and
Please enjoy and as I literally say every single week – send me your story. It would be impossible for there to be an easier way to get featured on Barstool Sports.
All you have to do is start gambling recklessly to the point of nearly ruining your life and then email me firstname.lastname@example.org.
To the submissions:
I’ll try to make a long story as short as possible. So last year my book has a kid with his wife retires, I just moved in with the gf myself and decided you know what time to hang em up it was fun while it lasted. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and I’m at the bar with a couple buddies and one thing leads to another I saw the Yankees ML vs Chris Sale and Boston at +148 and I was like holy shit if I still bet that is free money right there, Chris Sale is trash I would be all over that. My buddy innocently goes I’ll throw a bet on bovada for you if you Venmo me. Done and done. Next thing you know, we’re not betting anything crazy, but the unscratchable itch has come back and I’m looking to get my beak wet with just about every game I can watch on my couch after work for kicks. We are now sitting up $400 something dollars after hitting on 7/8 baseball bets this past week. I somehow decide to be responsible and realize all good thing comes to an end, talk about cashing out and my buddy expects half the winnings! Again it’s not like a crazy amount of money and this is more humorous than anything, this guy is one of my best buds but like what hell man! Don’t get me wrong I always planned on giving him like $50 for his troubles but I was surprised to hear half, none of the wagered money is his/ none of the picks and insight are his. More than anything I’m proud I didn’t create a Bovada account for myself that’s the true miracle here. Want to hear what you think about this situation. Thanks Carl, go cubs
You gotta be dry fuckin the S out of me right now. Half? You want HALF?
Why don’t you just kiss my left nut buddy. You’re friend is an asshole, or stupid, or both. That’s such a preposterous move on his part and just goes to show you even when you try to do the smart thing in being a degenerate… even when you try to get out you find yourself facing more degeneracy.
And it’s important to circle back on the big topic here and that’s gambling through your buddies. If you have a bookie, your buddies will want you to host action. If you don’t, chances are you’re the one looking to “Just put $100 on a big game every now and then,” which sounds good until you realize it’s a stupid idea. Get the payment situation figured out up front otherwise you will test your friendship when the balance is due like we got here. I’d be fuming if you came for my half. FUMING. You hit 7-1 you keep 7-1. That guy can get a small taste and maybe a couple beers but half? Bro get the fuck out of here you’re talking about half. Crazy people only would ask for half. Fucking lunatic.
My Wife Hates Me
I have been sports betting for a couple years now. Nothing crazy. I’ll put in $25 and cash out when I get the $100 minimum. I play it super simple and just play the money line. My wife always would give me crap about betting, but when the checks started cashing she got off my back a little. At this point I have a user name in my name, wife’s name, and my mom’s name. The site only lets you cash out every 90 days.
I was looking at money lines for the next day and I see LSU and Texas A&M is pretty much even. I just keep going back to it and next thing I know, I have my wallet out and I am putting a $100 into my account. I say fuck it and put the whole $100 on LSU to win. The LSU game had like a 6pm start time. I end up having a buddy come over and we are playing video games and drinking when he tells me he had never seen Die Hard. My wife, from the kitchen (she was making us dinner) yells that she has never seen it either. Well you all know what happen nexts. We start the movie around 5pm and when the game starts I pull up the score on my phone a couple times and nothing big is happening.
The movie ends,my buddy leaves and I put the game on. We turn it on when LSU scores with about 7 minutes left. When the game “ends” I turn to my wife and tell her I bet $100 on a game. She yells at me and tells me that I was a dumbass and as she is going off on me, the fumble goes under review. All 7 overtime’s I never look at her. I can feel her eyes drilling a hole into my head. When A&M wins, she gets up and does not say a word to me, and goes to bed. Bunch the next morning cost me $100. Stilling waiting for my $200 check in the mail from LSU.
For a second there I thought things were going to get real weird there when he told me I knew what happened next. Honestly up to that point you could have said anything and Movie Night would have been in the 8-12 range. Just an FYI.
From a numbers and gambling perspective – nothing too particularly crazy here.
But from a Domestic Gambling standpoint this is about as good as it gets for me. Checking scores non stop through the movie. Pissing off your presumably not-too-happy wife. Banking on LSU saving the day. Like if they win you go to sleep a happy man and you won more than just a bet. Told You So is a powerful tool. But the downside is exactly what happened: 7 overtimes of you getting repeatedly kicked in the balls while your wife orders 3 batches of Avocado toast and bottomless mimosas the next day. She’s half in the bag by 1:30 and you’re left making dinner and folding laundry and along the way you have nothing to argue against. Why? LSU lost. When the misery crosses over that drastically into life you will always have my attention.
Overpaid By Vegas?
I think is actually more rare. At a certain Casino in Vegas . I cashed a couple 2k bets one night. Bet 2000 fading Felix and the mariners. Easy win. So I was due to collect like 4200…
What happened next was so damn odd .
I was handed a ton of $ by the dude at the sportsbook. Whatever it was. I was overpaid $9940 bucks… basically 10k .
I had a couple drinks. Long story short, I was contacted by legal team of the casino. He was professional and friendly and I played dumb but ended up kinda threatening me so whatever. I paid it back to the casino and got comp’d a shit ton of stuff. Long story etc. steak, 2 night stay etc. spa. I promise you the kid that basically gave me all that $ was fired.
What I didn’t tell them though is the next morning after the overpayment, I bet 5k on Lamar Jackson and Louisville and they stomped FSU. So basically got the free money anyways. Never had that much $ on me since that day. Haha
This is shocking to me because I didn’t know Vegas made mistakes. Like that’s part of being Vegas. You’re perfect. You’re so money you don’t even know it. Everybody loves you baby. Vegas baby Vegas.
Listen point is this is pretty fucking wild. You accidentally get $10k then lay 50% of that on the ACC 11am then you deserve the 2 night spa stay and 48 ounce porterhouse.
And yes I w0uld have 1,000% paid the money back if contacted by legal under these circumstances and shit. My only question is would I have kept the $10k in tact before getting contacted by legal and the answer to that question is 1,000% no. I’d blow that money so fast not even joking I just want you guys to know that.
“For A Second I Think I’m Hallucinating Cause Of The Painkillers”
After graduating college my buddies and I got into sports gambling, almost entirely through Bovada. We were mostly small time, put in about $200 and see how long we could let it ride through whatever sports season was currently happening.
Anyway, during the summer of 2014 I was playing rec soccer and tore my Achilles (insert pathetic remark here). Caused a whole cascade of problems, namely I had to move back in with my parents because the recovery period was long and required you to be horizontal for a month or so right after surgery (was still living that bachelor life at the time of the injury – shocking for everyone reading this I’m sure). Fast forward to the day or so after surgery, I’m laying on my parents couch, just stewing in my own juices and decide to reload $200 in the ole’ Bovada account. Can’t do anything else right? What could happen? Well, its 10 AM and I’m not betting on Croatian basketball so I start going down that slippery slope which is online slots. I knew the dangers – in fact I’d already personally been burned several times by this – but I was still coming down off the painkillers from surgery and the maximum I figured I could lose was the $200 I put in, so I decided to dance.
Given my somewhat deluded state, I select the virtual slot machine named “DJ Moo Cow” (its still there on Bovada if anyone wants to play it again). Really stupid slot that involved a bonus round where you help a Diplo like Cow jam out for bonus spins. I decide to play for $.50 per spin, feeling a bit dangerous and whatnot. Spin it a couple of times, enjoy the DJ Moo Cow background jams as I’m spinning, but generally losing pretty consistently. Then, all of a sudden I press the spin button and coins start erupting all over my screen and my comp goes crazy with sounds. For a second I think I’m hallucinating cause of the painkillers – NOPE. The screen changes to say I was awarded the RANDOM JACKPOT. Didn’t even know these games had that feature – I found the jackpot up in the top left hand corner – it read $4,092.13 (Yes I still remember the number). So I had just won $4k on a $.50 spin on a virtual slot machine named DJ Moo Cow. I sat there stunned as the money kept counting until my dad came downstairs and started celebrating with me after hearing the noise.
The next day I’m still sitting there with all that money in the account and nothing to do again. So I thought to myself, what would a responsible person do with all these extra funds? They would go to the online blackjack table of course! So I moved on over to online blackjack, promising myself I wouldn’t go above $5 a hand. As all degenerates know $5 a hand quickly turned into $500 a hand over the next few weeks of recovery. I became the perfect picture of degeneracy – I distinctly remember myself sitting on the shitter, foot in a cast, constipated from the pain meds, playing $500 a hand in online blackjack and swearing so loudly after losses that my mom had to come check on me (I was a 26 year old man at the time). The swings in funds were insane, at one point I was up to 15k in the account, then back down to 5k, then finally working it back up to 12k. At this point I am ready to go back out into the world, Achilles mended enough to start living on my own and going back to work. So I talk to a sharp I know and he says that the bills playing the giants (I think it was week 4) was a huge sharp play. Gotta hammer the bills he says. So I look up that line, looks like good reverse line movement, I say fuck it, I’ll hammer the bills for half the budget – $6k (I had to clear it through the bovada site because of the size of the bet). We all know what happens next, Bills get trounced, I think it was 24-10 (I had the bills +1.5) and half my budget is blown. I take a hard look at how I’d spent the last two months of my life and decide to end it with at least a shred of dignity and cash out the 6k remaining.
Morals of the story – first, don’t ever bet on the Bills. Second, quit while you’re ahead (that’s the obvious one that no degenerate ever does), and finally don’t be afraid to venture out into that great unknown landscape of the virtual slot machine, you may meet a friendly bovine along the way.