"I Could Only Get $500 From The ATM So I Bought 12 Packs Of Gum And Did $50 Cash Back For Each Transaction" - The Bookie Chronicles Volume 32
Good morning losers. It’s your fearless leader carl and I’m back to spread some joy in our small corner of degeneracy on the internet. This week is particularly special because I had to pay my bookie for the first time all NFL season which has been going on for about 72 fucking hours. To call me pathetic would be one of the great understatements on a website predominantly known for making overstatements. Wrap your head around that.
In the meantime, I’ll be over here talking myself into a big, BIG week because that’s what you do when you pay out. You get a fresh round of confidence like you didn’t just get your dick smashed in.
Personally, I’m so on board with false confidence it would literally make your fucking head spin. If my gambling style could be described as quarterback play, Jon Gruden would call me The Riverboat Gambler which is admittedly confusing because we’re already talking about gambling. Why transition to football to give me a gambling nickname?
I have no fucking clue.
Neither do I know why I physically can’t stop myself from taking 2nd half overs. Some things are best left unexplained while other things are best left shared with the entire internet. For example, all prior versions of Bookie Chronicles Here:
This week we got a guy laying action on Call of Duty at work, a tip for your next Vegas trip, the most embarrassing way to access $600 on the planet and a guy getting some pussy in Italy (presumably). It’s a nice bag reflective of our diverse interests here at The Bookie Chronicles.
Please enjoy and as I literally say every single week – send me your story. It would be impossible for there to be an easier way to get featured on Barstool Sports.
All you have to do is start gambling recklessly to the point of nearly ruining your life and then email me firstname.lastname@example.org.
To the submissions:
You Can Bet On Call Of Duty?
So I guess this story starts a few month back in the 2019 NFL season. Where me and a guy from work decided we were going to make some extra money betting on football. As we quickly learned, we weren’t very good at making picks. We decided we were going to go down the gambling twitter rabbit hole and find ourselves a savior. Which lead to us coming across a guy who was giving out Call of Duty picks. My coworker having a bit more luck with the NFL decided, he wasn’t quite a big enough degenerate to gamble on Call of Duty. So I decide to lay a little money on a Call of Duty and it hits. The guy proceeds to go on a spectacular 20-4-1 run. We re making money on parlays and caps. It got so bad Bovada decided they were going to turn off the handicaps for a bit and only go moneylines. Meanwhile I set up notifications for this guy because it seems twitter has taken notice. When ever he would post his picks everyone would hammer them. This leads to me being up quite a bit money while giving some back as he got a bit cold going into championship weekend.
So I’m sitting in my cube trying to do anything but work. I see a tweet that the Call of Duty championships are over the next two days and then we ll be done till December. Realizing this is my last opportunity to strike this seemingly endless pot of gold. I set up a heavy favorite five team parlay and put down 700 dollars which was most of season winnings from following this guy to win around 1900. I then go back to work with the games being played at 12 , 1:30 and 3:30. In the first four legs I hit on three and push 1 (Wrong Team name….). I realize the last game at 3:30, I have the -1800 favorite. At this point I’m deciding all the things I’m going to do with my new found cash. Even though my best odds pushes. Well the game gets started a little late so I decide I’ll check the results when I get home from work…
They got FUCKING SWEPT 3-0, the parlay doesn’t hit and I’m back where I started. Fuck Call of Duty!
Call of Duty parlays at work is an all time low. Honestly. Really fucking needed this one dude.
Grease Me Up And Rub Me Down
I’ve been going to casinos for years around the Midwest. Every time I’m at the casino, I usually see the female masseuses walk around asking to give massages. I always politely say no thanks, and quickly think to myself, who would ever get one of those massages.
Well, a couple years ago I was attending a Bachelor party out in Vegas. We started the day with a typical Vegas pool party. Afterwards, a few guys decided we would play some blackjack to kill time before going out later that night. We sit down and go on an all time heater. We each turned a few hundred dollars into a thousand each. The casino was throwing everything at us in attempt to trip us up, from the more than usual dealer switches, to the assigned waitress that was bringing us nonstop drinks.
After a couple hours of this heater, three masseuses approach us asking if we want massages, we all drunkenly say “hell yea” (keep in mind the Vegas masseuses look a little different than the ones at the Horseshoe). Crazy enough we continued to stay hot at the table while getting the massages. Time kept on passing and we kept on winning, both our blackjack hands and the side bets. We start thinking of these masseuses as our good luck charms and start flipping them a $25 chip every time we won a hand or a side bet. This went on for another hour or so, and then the table got cold, ice cold. Not only had we all collectively tipped the masseuses around a thousand dollars throughout the night, but we all slowly lost all our money. I woke up the next day with my swim suit still on, no money, and the sorest back you could ever imagine.
Lesson Learned: Stay away from the casino masseuses.
I was laughing at first thinking it would be better to get whacked off at the BJ table but then once you bust your load you probably dont want to be at a Vegas BJ table so I understand why they give you back rubs and not cock rubs. Although cock rubs would be nice.
12 Packs of Gum
I was using a local bookie that had a call in number in South America. At the end of the week our buddy would give us the damage. This particular week was a rough one for a 23 year old not making a lot of money- down $1100. I got tied up at work and couldn’t get to a bank on settle day, so I was able to get the first $500 from the ATM and still needed $600.
There was one option- the grocery store. So I roll in there around 9pm when the place is empty. Mind you- this was before self checkout. I had to buy 12 individual packs of gum since the cash back limit was $50. Those 12 transactions felt like 12 years. The look of disgust from the cashier is still burned in my mind. Walked out of with a lot of gum and zero self pride.
This is maximum degenercy. Wild. Just fucking WILD. Cashing back a box of orbit to kill the balance is why we started this column in the first place.
I Won Eight Thousand Dollars And Everyone Should Hate My Guts
I love reading these and feel bad about guys losing their nut in the casino so I don’t want to rub it in. At the same time, this is the most ridiculous thing to ever happen to me and I feel incredibly lucky so I figured I’d share. Enjoy!
I fucking hate this guy already
Last year Bovada was running some deposit bonus where they match your deposit up to $200. Being a sucker for a good deal, I throw some money in on a college football Saturday morning. I’m not sure exactly how the bonus thing works, but I came to find out that I couldn’t actually withdraw the money until I play $xxx amount in the casino. Turned out that amount was ridiculously high. I’ve heard the online casino horror stories and had a couple of bad nights on there in college but I decided to play blackjack for a bit to see how close it got me to hitting the rollover amount.
The day goes by playing hands on and off while watching the games and I’m up $800 or so. Still nowhere near enough to get my money without forfeiting the bonus. Looking to mix it up after I got bored with the blackjack I start playing some Caesar’s Palace slots game. Normally I wouldn’t dive into online slots but it wasn’t even real money to me at this point since I withdraw. After 30 minutes and a bunch of $20 spins I’m up another $1,000 bringing my account total up to $2,000. I go out to dinner with my girlfriend and let her know I’m having a good day but explain that I can’t have the money until I play some more.
After dinner I check on the bonus and it turns out to be roughly $800 more worth of casino bets until the money is mine. I figure I can give this Caesar’s Palace game 8 spins at $100 a pop and worst case just cash out with the $1,200 remaining in my account.
Well 7 spins in and no wins. On spin 8 I get into a bonus game…10 free spins. Some number of these go by and we hear a sound we hadn’t heard yet. JACKPOT! $8,000 bucks just like that! Fortunately for me, my girlfriend was by my side while we were doing this and made me cash out ASAP. Had it stayed in the account, I would have undoubtedly be out the money within a week or two. Instead, we’re headed to Italy next month.
On one hand. you get to keep your money and go to Italy with your girlfriend blah blah blah. Sounds nice.
On the other hand, you have a girlfriend.
Let’s call it a Push.