The Bookie Chronicles - Volume 36
What’s up guys. I had to pay the book again so I’m not really in a mood to bullshit. But then I get here and I’m like relax carl this is what the Chronicles are for and instantly I’m at ease for being a loser.
Most of you guys are losers too as evidenced by 35 complete volumes of The Bookie Chronicles, the official home of stool-submitted stories usually detailing how much you suck at gambling and the lengths you’ve gone to not pay your book. For complete and total reference:
Please enjoy and as I literally say every single week – send me your story. It would be impossible for there to be an easier way to get featured on Barstool Sports.
All you have to do is start gambling recklessly to the point of nearly ruining your life and then email me email@example.com.
To the submissions:
The Free Charter To Your Local Casino
Moved to San Francisco after college for work and every single day on my way to work I would see these huge billboards advertising a new casino about an hour away from the city. After a few weeks I got the itch and decided to look into it. Turns out they had a charter bus that picked up in different locations across the city. I decide to roll out of work early on a Friday, ride up to the casino on the bus alone and roll back in time to go out with my buddies that night without anyone knowing. I Uber to the bus pickup spot and end up getting on the bus with the most disgusting collection of human beings that I have ever seen. At this point I know I’m an absolute idiot for even thinking about making this journey but there’s no way to turn back now. We hit traffic on the way up- no joke an hour drive took over 3 hours. At this point I’m miserable but I’m willing to lay it all out there. I then proceed to empty every cent out of my bank accounts literally losing every single hand I bet on at the blackjack table. The entire time this is going on I have 50 missed calls from all my friends wondering where the hell I was. I’m at literal rock bottom with no money and the next bus to the city coming in 2 hours. Sitting there self reflecting in the casino for 2 hours was no joke the worst two hours of my life. I then get back on the completely full bus next to this complete scum of a human being that talks my ear off the entire ride back about how she won $50 then walk into my apartment at 1AM and have to explain myself to my buddies. I just felt disgusting typing all of this and there no moral to the story other than nothing good can happen when you take a charter bus solo to a casino.
I like this one to set the pace because it’s both unique and extremely pathetic. Solo charter to the casino on a Friday after work BEFORE you kick it with the boys? Aggressive and ridiculous. Do you know a guy named White Sox Dave?
My favorite part of this is that the slow-drip marketing campaign worked on you. Like they bought a bunch of billboards, you saw a bunch of a billboards, and because you saw them you got on the charter bus. Gambling aside the real winner here is that marketing department. You actually got on that bus. Savage move.
I got a a buddy who gets on incredible heaters, constantly. He’s a teacher and his Bovada account balance has reached peaks that are 20-40% of his annual salary, but he always gives it back.
About 7-8 years ago he got on a Bovada run that started with either a free roll poker tourney or $10 buy in. He won the tourney and won a chunk of change. He played that whole balance into another poker tourney and won that one. He was sitting at $6-7k, as the story goes.
He does what any of us would do: He heads to the BJ tables on Bovada. He runs it up to ~$25k between BJ and a few big sports bets. Our 4 man betting group has 3 of us imploring him to cash out. After numerous calls and a threat to call his family from our buddy that knows his mom and dad, he promises he’ll cash out in the morning. He’s a damn teacher, go pay cash for a new vehicle or something.
We know where this goes, don’t we? He is perusing Bovada bets late that same night and finds an Asian MMA fight with EXTREME odds. These odds were equivalent to me fighting Brock Lesnar. He put the balance on the lock, the heavy favorite (still not sure how Bovada let him do it, they usually have bet limits as we know) to win an “easy, free” $800-$1000. So basically right around -2500.
Well, the Asian Brock Lesnar fell that day and my buddy still hasn’t fully recovered. And yes we make fun of him about it at each and every group gathering for fantasy football, our kids’ bdays, Vegas trip, Bdubs football viewings, etc.
Gambling is the best.
I’d prefer if this came right from the source but I’ll settle on the fact that there’s a 4 man gambling crew out there like you guys are a fucking group of train robbers in the Wild West circa 1890. Does that crew come with matching nylon jackets with nicknames embroidered above the left breast? Because it should. No other reason to go 4-men deep on something all of you suck at.
Anyways, lesson for all you youngsters out there: don’t go in the casino, but if you do don’t go in online blackjack, and if you do, don’t spend a lot of time in there. And if you do, and you make some money, leave immediately, especially if it’s north of $1k much less $25k.
And if all of that shit happens and you’re still sitting there holding tens of thousands, lay off the Asian MMA until you get a good feel for the card. Last thing you want to do is lose the biggest hot streak of your life over a 3 minute fight half way around the world between two guys that will probably be dead by the time this blog publishes.
Last week when the CFB lines were first released I couldn’t believe my eyes. It looked like Christmas morning. I felt like this could be my best weekend ever. Ohio St -15.5 over Indiana. A basketball school that hasn’t beat them since the 80s? Book it. Done. Ohio St is going to win by 5 TD’s. UCF -7.5 over Stanford. One of the hottest teams in the country playing a mediocre at best Stanford? Also a Northern California team traveling to Florida in 90 degree heat/humidity and playing a day game? Book that one too. Done. UCF is going to run wild over Stanford. Bama -25 over South Carolina. This one could be a little tight. But Bama is coming in with one of the best QBs in the country and by far the best receiving corps. And they’re playing against a true freshman in his first SEC game. Still thought Bama should win by 4 TDs at least. So I put $50 a piece on the those to cover. And because all I saw were dollar signs and got greedy, I also did a 3 game parley that pays out 6-1 at $100. I broke my own cardinal rule there. Never bet different amounts. Because what always ends up happening is the lower bets win and the high bets lose. Always. Cut to Friday when 1st half lines are released. Again it felt like Christmas all over again. Ohio St -10, UCF -6, Bama -15.5. I’ll take those. Thank you very much. Again, $50 on the half’s and $100 3 game parley on those too. Locked all those in and went to bed.
I woke up Saturday eager to start counting my money. If all of them hit it would be a $1500 day. 11am game is Ohio St and Indiana. Ohio St 1st half and game bets? Boom. 2-0. UCF and Bama started playing at 2:30. UCF jumped up 38-7 on Stanford in the 1st half. Game over. Boom. 4-0. I changed channels and started watching the Bama game. They seemed to score at ease, but South Carolina was hanging around. They scared me with that fake punt that scored but was called back. Then in the second quarter Bama trotted out their 5 star true freshman kicker Will FUCKING Reichard for a 37 yard field goal. He missed. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Bama’s still got some time. They’ll score another TD before the 1st half is over for sure. Nope. Going in at halftime score is 24-10. Remember that the 1st half line was -15.5. Lost that one and the 3 game parley because of a missed FG. I was angry, but I thought I was still in it for the 2nd half and the game. Surely Bama will come out, wear South Carolina down, and win by 4 TDs. They did exactly that. Went up 47-16 with about 2 minutes to go in the 4th quarter. I’m jumping around the house and screaming. My dog is hiding in the corner because he thinks I’m screaming at him. I just won $750!!! Sure it’s not the $1500 I thought it would be. But still a nice payday. Bama gives South Carolina the ball back with about 1:45 to go. Surely Bama can hold them and win the game. Nope. Today is not my lucky day. South Carolina then proceeds to march all the way down the field. Then a targeting call puts them on the 5 yard line. And of course they score with 5 seconds left. Again the line on the game was -25. A fucking back door cover at 47-23. But you know what? If 5 star true freshman kicker Will FUCKING Reichard would have hit his 37 yard field goal none of this would have mattered. It would have been 50-23 and that TD would have meant jack shit. I would have hit all of my 1st half’s, all my games, and all my parleys. I would have been PAID. $1500. But instead, because of Will FUCKING Reichard and his missed FG, I just Venmo’d my guy $100. Seriously fuck that dude.
That’s a long way of saying some guy missed a field goal and you didn’t win as much as you’d like. That’s not tragic that’s just life. Like I swear on my fucking grave I’m picking at a 25% clip right now. Are all of those blowout losers? No. That would be impossible. To lose as much as I have, you need to get your dick ripped off and stuffed down your throat with late game mistakes and bad beats like you read about.
In other words, you have to lose almost all of your coin-flips. Every game that’s pushed into the 4th quarter. All the totals that do or don’t need another 13.5 points falling short or blowing over. Every parlay losing on the last play. You basically need the worst luck of all time to lose 75% of the time and that’s where I’m at right now as a human being.
Here’s the point. You grow to expect the freshman to miss that kick. You play knowing you’re losing. You bake it into your skull that no matter what, things will blow up in your face.
When you get there (and ONLY when you get there) you’ll start to realize that whole story you just told could be summarized as a regular Saturday in the life of a regular degenerate loser. On behalf of everyone in that club, we’d love to have you.
So I’m watching the LSU / Vandy game and LSU is up by 21 at halftime. I check the halftime line, see it is LSU -10 and decide to unload on LSU in the second half. Max bet both of my accounts. Fast forward to the end of the fourth quarter. The Tigers are up by 35 with under two minutes to go, covering the 10 points. All they have to do is run the clock out and I win all of the money. Imagine my heart sink when the fucking back up quarterback drops back to pass. We all know how this ends up. Pick 6, all hope is lost. But wait! There’s a flag on the field. Targeting on the defense! It’s a lock now! No way they throw the ball again. First down, take a knee and game over. These assholes go to review the penalty. While this cocksucking ref is reviewing it, the SEC network brings in their expert retired referee who literally says “That is the definition of targeting. Checks every box”. The douchebag referee opens his cocksucker and says “there is no penalty for targeting. Call reversed. TD Vandy.” I fail to cover and proceed to puke everywhere. Worst god damn beat of my entire life.
ANNNNNNDDDDD WE’RE BACK
That’s my kind of loss. Soul-crushing like you read about and close enough where you’re envisioning everything you’d do with your winnings. I get this big play in, then I get on a hot streak tomorrow. Back to even by the 3pms then maybe I get hot I can load up on MNF and really get paid out. 3 minutes later the backup throws your pick six and now you’re doing a different math. How much ramen can you eat before you start to feel different? Do you even need cable? Or probably the most basic google search of all time for degenerate gamblers.
Hey Alexa how much do Uber drivers make an hour?