I'm sure in some cultures you would celebrate the 40th edition of something but not here. No fucking way amigo. Next time I tip my cap to anyone, it will be for #100 and not one Bookie Chronicle less.
At the same time I'd be remiss not to thank everyone who has sent me their story over the last 10 months. By last count we've published 158 of them and I'm sitting on a real fresh batch.
That said, turnaround time from submission to publish is looking like a couple weeks. I'd do better but I can't so instead I'd rather just publicly dissuade potential discouragement: please be patient if you're waiting to have your story included. Trust me it's coming.
When it does, you'll join the esteemed ranks of the biggest degenerates at Barstool Sports:
If you have no idea what's going on, keep reading.
This week we have a couple guys paying for picks, one bookie that regrets not settling up, one bookie that's happy he didn't, mild threatened gun violence and a major house win FOR THE BOYS. God I love this shit.
Please enjoy and as I literally say every single week – send me your story. It would be impossible for there to be an easier way to get featured on Barstool Sports.
All you have to do is start gambling recklessly* to the point of nearly ruining your life and then email me firstname.lastname@example.org.
To the submissions:
"I Bought These UFC Picks On Twitter…"
This is a story from last year (freshman year of college for me). So me and a few of my buddies had just gotten into gambling in December, putting some money down on mostly college and NBA games. Flash forward to around February, we're all down a decent amount and looking to make a nice return. We find this guy on twitter who's selling his picks over DMs for money.
Us being the dumb college freshman we were, decided to try it out one night.
Its a cold February night, and we were all in one of my buddy's rooms consuming some Miller Lites responsibly and watching whatever sports were on TV. After we had had a decent amount of millers, me and one of my friends decided to buy his picks for the UFC fights that were on that night. We bought all 7 picks, which cost us about $50 bucks, $25 each. We decided to throw $25 each on each fight, so a total of around $175 each (which was a lot for college kids who had less than $400 in their bank account) we put on these 7 fights.
We ended up watching us lose every single pick that the "expert" told us to take. We angrily DM'd him asking for our $50 back and surprisingly he agreed. Either way we had both lost $180 on UFC, a sport I know nothing and have no care for at all. Ended up locking myself out of my account for a few weeks after that. Even installed a security system on my computer to not let me go to my bookie's site. Tough scene.
I shouldn't have to tell you guys this but it's pretty fucking obvious: don't buy picks on twitter DM's. I don't care if you're a total loser or some big fancy pants investment banking (loser) with money to blow. YOU DONT BUY PICKS ON TWITTER.
As for paying for picks generally, it's personal preference. My guy STU FUCKING FEINER is the Babe Ruth of selling picks. And there's good touts out there no doubt. Probably someone your dad or uncle recommends. Shit like that I'm totally fine with provided you vet your source and know what you're getting into. And for reasons that should surprise absolutely no one – it always comes down to budget. Why are you gambling in the first place?
$175 each probably doesn't (definitely doesn't) justify the spend.
If you're getting started and don't know what's going on, my recommendation is to play your own bets at small amounts. It takes everyone a learning curve to not lay the house on someone like the Packers -4 in San Diego *ROLLS EYES OUT OF SKULL* God I'm such a fucking moron.
This was last year with my credit bookie, I just finished a nice weekend of getting my shit absolutely kicked in. Think my credit was up to 3500 I was down to like 3400.
Monday night game was eagles redskins, colt mccoy was starting at the time just had a fuck it bet and put 100 on redskins +3.5 first half.
If I lose fuck it I’m already down a ton if I win can play something second half to make it not hurt as bad. So game is going decent, eagles are up 7-0 redskins are about to kick a field goal but the play before colt McCoy gets hurt.
So who is the back up? Mark fucking sanchez. So I’m pissed already looking at my bank account at how I’m fucked. Redskins get a stop then Adrian Peterson’s hold ass rips a 90 yard Td to put skins up 10-7 I’m feeling a little better.
Eagles drive and score 14-10 less than 2 minutes left I’m really fucked now. Mark Sanchez some how pulls off this drive and a third and 7 to keep the drive alive and gets within field goal range I cover the 3.5. I’m feeling good so I put the rest of my credit on eagles second half.
It’s a blow out so still down a fuck ton but it softened the blow. My bookie and I usually settled every Tuesday so I’m just dreading his text all day. Thing is…it never came.
So I rolled into next week with new life and some credit. I proceed to rip an absurd run. From -3400 to +4500, just an unreal gambling heater because he forgot to settle up with me.
I ended up losing it all of course in the playoffs on the saints against the rams but the high of that run from utter death to being back in the positive was an all time gambling moment and have mark Sanchez to thank for it.
I get that Mark Sanchez covered the 1st half spread, just not sure why you want to give him the credit for your turnaround. In reality your bookie is just a lazy moron. Who in their right mind sits on a collection? Especially the house?? Makes zero sense but also probably the last time your bookie makes that mistake with any of his clients. Sucker.
Anyways, this reminds me of a somewhat related but different point:
Nothing is worse than when your bookie is dodging a payout. And even "dodging" might be a little strong. Basically if your bookie isn't going out of his way to pay you when it's your turn, that's bullshit. Why? Because 99.9% of bookies are going to get that text out before the end of lunch on Monday. They're salivating all weekend to collect. Come Monday morning they can hardly sleep. It's all they can think about and you have nowhere to run. So you do what every noble, honest, reasonable client does and you confront the text message head on no matter how hard it is.
You text back
I can meet up whenever
You're always available.
That's why it's so important to all my bookies out there that you pay the same respect back to your clients. Ultimately it's going to be your customer service that keeps you in business when gambling is fully legalized. Play the long game.
One For The Boys
Carl… still riding the high of the greatest bet we have ever made. Whole house of 6 guys decided to pool our money and take the Bengals to not score a touchdown of what might have been the sloppiest game they have ever played offensively.
If paid out +5000 and we pooled together $130 total which paid like $4500. This is what you live for as poor college kids. Unreal win. Goes to show it might be out there. Stay out of the online casino.
l love this story so much. The Begals suck. The Steelers aren't awesome by any stretch of the imagination. 6 guys pooled together $130 which is literally impossible to do in equal amounts: $130/6 = $21.666666666666666666666666667. So kudos to the one guy who put up $30 or the two who chipped in $25.
Basic arithmetic aside, I love this one because I'm in that house with those 6 guys during this game. The place smells like shit. The couches are soft and damp. It's musty. We are absolutely RIFLING through these Monday night beers having the time of our lives. Each Bengal possession is becoming progressively more exciting than the last. With 6 minutes left and right in the sweetspot of fucking your bet, the Bengals pull of an 11-play drive that sounds like it could ruin your night. But alas, it's Andy Dalton and the drive surprisingly only yields 19 yards. A 4th & 10 sack at midfield effectively ends the game.
We are now spraying beers on each other as we map out a night on a college town with thousands of dollars of disposable income.
Two of us are never heard from again.
More Paid Picks
This past winter, I was not doing well gambling. Way more losers than winners. So I decided to enlist the help of " the experts". I live in NYC and listen to WFAN. Kept on hearing this ad on WFAN about a service called SAS Wins and its founder Sonny Derosa. Call the number and get a free play, be up however many units you bet. I decided to check out the service, I paid $200 for a trial account. They sent you picks, until you were up 30 units. For example they would sent plays Chargers +3 ( 2 Units) .
The trial went great and I was up big, so I decided to go all in on SAS. $1000 for a full year of picks. Like I said before, they would send over bets and denote them by unit size and their key plays were 5 units. My betting unit is $50, so when 1 unit or 2 unit plays didn't hit it was fine but when key plays missed it stung real bad.
First week I use the service, pretty much lose all the money I won in the free trial. This story obviously does not end well and for the next 3 weeks I continued to use the service and losses mounted up quick. Key play after key play misses and i find myself in the hole about 3.5K. I called and text the service to see what was going on and never got anyone on the phone. I couldn't find their founder Sonny Derosa anywhere on the internet. I had enough. I call up my credit card provider and told them the charge for 1K was fraud. SAS Wins was providing false information to its customers and it was all a big scam. A couple days later, SAS Wins contacts me and tells me I'll never get my money back and that their lawyer was going to handle it.
As I sit here today, my money got refunded in full. What was even better was about a month after of me cancelling the service I got an email from SAS asking customers to stop being being so harsh to their receptionist and to stop sending vulgar emails and texts , they swore their picks were going to improve. To this day they still send me picks via email and text. I block the number and unsubscribe from the emails but they keep coming ha. Morons.
Jesus Christ what is wrong with you savages. At least this one here has the hook line and sinker strategy. You can fall back on that – WFAN is no slouch in the media game and the customer service convenience here is A+. It would be impossible not to play every single bet that comes your way throughout the day.
At the same time though I just hate the idea of surrendering Gambling Free Will to a stranger. I understand if you want to flag a % of the gambling budget to play all those picks. And maybe that's a decent strategy for some of your REAL degenerates. But that takes a lot of disposable income to justify and if you're that wealthy, chances are you didn't get there blindly following someone else's advice. That makes me doubt whether you're the type of person that wants to tail a pro 100% anyways.
I've been there before. I spent a good 4 months playing pro picks. Cost me and a buddy a couple hundred a month to go through some old timer in Vegas. It was a recommendation from my buddy's dad who had been following the guy for decades. Long story short, we lost heavily and the end result was me miserably watching meaningless NBA games alone in the dark in a Lakeview studio apartment until 1am about 3-4 nights/week. We call that a low point but surprising enough it's no where near rock bottom.
Point is it sucked all the fun out of gambling and end of the day, it's your experience. If you want to chase income and finance your life, good fucking luck. Just email me when things go south.
"Few Years Later, He Shot A Guy"
Was just back in my hometown reminiscing with high school friends over this debacle that took place 15 yrs ago.
Come March Madness I was the only from my high school group that had a bookie on campus so I offered to place our tourney bets. This was '04 when Dee Brown and Illinois kicked ass and took names during their run until they lost to UNC in the finals.
The four of us decided to all throw in $100 and bet till it was gone. Started betting $50/game. After first four days we were on fire, hit a lot of Individual games and some small parlays to go up around $1k. Next weekend decide to up our bets to around $150/game and we finish the weekend up $4k. Typically this bookie had people clear their tab every two weeks, but being young and naive, and not wanting to come off as a dick with march madness ending in a week I didn’t ask to confirm my balance or cash out. Final four hits and after the championship game we pick up another $1k to put us at $5k for the group. $1250/person at age 20 is like winning the fucking lottery.
I text my guy a few days later saying I’d like to stop by to pick up the cash. I get there and he gives me $1000, so I ask where's the rest? He starts playing dumb saying he threw away all records from the tourney as everyone should’ve squared up going into final four, so all he had was my final four plays. Note we placed bets by calling them in, texting was relatively new in '04 so he was scared to have bets stored on phones. I start to get a bit heated, explain its not just me, it’s three additional friends who he might have a problem with. He refuses to budge and we hit an awkward silence. He then stretches his arms so his shirt becomes untucked and I can see the handgun he had tucked into his waistline. He asks me if we’re going to have any problems or if this convo is over. Like the fucking pussy I am I just walked out and accepted I got roasted.
Took my friends a month to believe what happened and not think I kept all the money for myself. Oddly enough a few years back when I was drunkenly rehashing this story with my college crew I was told he shot someone, soooo kinda happy with my decision.
1. That's awkward
2. Assuming your bookie won't threaten you with gun violence, it's best to stay on top of them when you're up. Gotta let them know you're paying attention. That you care and want to collect.
It's actually a lot like the beginning stages of a relationship. You want to communicate your interest so that you don't get blindsided with some one-sided bullshit like our guy right here. Like all things in life, your best defense is a good offense.
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