The SportsBook Chronicles - Volume 44

Screen-Shot-2019-02-25-at-8.06.48-AM-1024x807-1024x807-1024x807-1024x807-1024x807Welcome (back) to the first edition of The SportsBook Chronicles - the new version of what was formerly known as The Boo*ie Chronicles.

Carl why did you change the name of my favorite blog series 44 weeks into it?

Good question. The straightforward answer is I would like to get this blog-series sponsored and (technically) calling it TBC is a direct violation of the very regulations that dictate what can and can't be legally sponsored gambling content. And if you're surprised such regulations could even exist, Welcome To America. I hope you like your extortion Ice Cold. 

For now, the only thing that matters is I want to get this blog series sponsored so I can grow it. I want to create animated video shorts off it and maybe write it into something bigger. Maybe do a mockumentary or some kind of reenactment video series like Rescue 911. 

I've got some ideas kicking around but they don't mean shit if I can't get them off the ground. And to do that, I need to play by the rules of the United States Federal Government. Naturally I feel like a little bitch. No one wants to be told what to do. But that's the trade off in life. I hold these stories near and dear to my heart and that's what matters: The Stories. Who gives a fuck what I call them or how this is packaged - we're here for you. The stoolie who got a little too carried away gambling and ran into some shit. Good or bad (hopefully bad), we'd like to enjoy it and laugh:

Volume 43

Volume 42 Volume 41 – Volume 40

Volume 39  Volume 38 Volume 37

Volume 36 – Volume 35 – Volume 34

Volume 33 – Volume 32 – Volume 31

Volume 30 – Volume 29  – Volume 28

Volume 27 – Volume 26 – Volume 25

Volume 24 – Volume 23 – Volume 22

Volume 21  – Volume 20 – Volume 19

Volume 18 – Volume 17 – Volume 16

Volume 15  Volume 14 – Volume 13

Volume 12 – Volume 11 – Volume 10

Volume 09 – Volume 08 – Volume 07

Volume 06 – Volume 05  Volume 04

Volume 03 – Volume 02 – Volume 01

If you have no idea what’s going on, keep reading. It won’t take long. 

This week we have 2 great friends, a senior White House official playing Caribbean baccarat, some bad advice from a Horse Guy, and quite possibly the most electric submission in the history of TSBC. You will fall in love with this kid, that's a Carl Guarantee (CG).

 Please enjoy and as I literally say every single week – send me your story. It would be impossible for there to be an easier way to get featured on Barstool Sports. All you have to do is start gambling recklessly* to the point of nearly ruining your life and then email me carl@barstoolsports.com. 

To the submissions: 

Can I Get A Ride? 

Last year for spring break, I was meeting a buddy in Vegas for college basketball conference tournaments. Four days straight of gambling. I had a very early flight and had my roommate drop me off at the airport. The airport was only 15-20 minutes away but since it was 4am, I was gonna pay him $10 for the ride. He told me to instead put the $10 on green in roulette and he’ll take the winnings. Fast forward a day or so and I’m now in Vegas. One of the nights there we go to see Playboi Carti perform at the Mirage. Afterwards, we are walking out hammered around 2am and walk past an empty roulette table. Thats when I remember I need to bet the $10. I walk up and put the 10 down and ask for green. I’m then told it’s a $20 minimum so I grab $20 of my own and add it on. No way I would do this sober, would have just went to find a lower minimum table. Finally she takes my money and puts it on green. Somehow it hits and that $30 hits on 35/1 and turns into $1,050. My roommate makes $350 on one drive and I walk away with $700.

Whatever happened to giving your buddies a ride? Literally nothing better in life than getting a ride from a friend somewhere just because you got a good friend. Then Uber and Lyft came along in the name of convenience but really just because those losers could never find a ride because they don't have any friends. That's my theory and it's ruined the taxi industry. It's also ruined 

Christmas Baccarat

For Christmas vacation I went to a casino resort in the Caribbean with my best friend. We've known each other since we were in 8th grade, and have always been gambling degenerates. From playing poker as kids to betting $4,000 on Indian soccer, we've been through it all. Thirteen years later, we find ourselves working and going on comped gambling trips. This time we're at this casino spending more time indoors than at the beach, hitting the sports book, table games - anything we could find. Since it was Christmas week, there was a full slate of day games to bet on, so we had our hands full. Each night we had more swings than the last night, up a couple grand, down a couple grand. One night, we meet this guy (in his late 30s) and bet some games with him. Nice enough guy. Next night, we find him at a craps table with another guy his age. Four of us decide to run the table. It's basically out of a movie. We're yelling in different languages ("quatro quatro" was a personal favorite), chest bumping random guys, paying off the waitress to bring us 4 beers per round instead of the "casino rule" of 1 beer per round. Only won about 1k, but had a blast doing it. Next night, we run into both guys at the sports book. It's Christmas day, so the night slate is pretty slim. We still bet the entire slate. Taking the over in the Indiana State basketball game, 2H line for the Lakers game…Literally betting anything we can get our hands on with no idea what we're betting. We're all betting about $500 a game, taking each others picks blindly. I was down about $2k to kick off the night, swept the board, ended up only down a couple hundred. The sporting events end and one of the guys insists we play high limit baccarat. $100 a hand minimum. I can play basically every casino game except baccarat. Never played it before and had no idea what the rules were. Looked like only two seats were open, so the two older guys sit down. Turns out behind an old Asian guy there were two other spots. Look at my buddy and offer to split a hand with him. He looks back said "Fuck that, sit your ass down." Well, there I am in for $1k in a game I know nothing about. Fast forward 15 minutes, and the guy who recommended baccarat is running HOT. I'm just following his moves, betting $100-$300 a hand. Fastest $1k I've ever made. The guys split up and I end up losing about $3k in craps, blackjack, and more baccarat (so easy to make $1k the first time around, let's try again!). To top it off, I get home and find out that baccarat wizard is actually a very high ranking White House official.

I don't really like this guy. I mean it's a cool story if you can afford it. And I'm sure it was a ton of fun and a total rush and all that. But I'm just not a Caribbean Casino over Christmas kind of guy. I like being on the ground with the family, getting loaded and watching the same stupid movies while absolutely DOMINATING the baked goods scene. That's my nature. I'm a sucker for this time of year. More importantly though - this is just too casual for me. Like should I care you lost $3,000? Because I don't. Doesn't seem like a big deal to you. And should I care you lost a couple grand betting $500 on everything you could grab in the sportsbook? That's not being a degenerate - that's just being stupid. So let's be clear. Degenerates care very much about winning and losing. They don't casually lose a little here, win a little there. They know EXACTLY how much is at stake on these games because it's their lifeblood. Alternatively this just sounds like a guy who doesn't know what to do with all the money he has. I mean good problem yeah. But this p

Moral Of The Story: Don't Be A Pussy

So about my sophomore year of college visited my buddies who went to University of Kentucky. So I get there Friday bring about 150 bucks for the weekend thinking that should be enough. Well didn’t know Tailgating at keenland is a huge event apparently. So we get there and I know I won’t be able to not bet the races.(live walking distance from Arlington park been betting the horses since I’ve been 7)Keep in mind only have 150 dollars for the weekend nothing has hit all day. Finally Get the the last race and I get text from my dad who bets the horses religiously. He says he likes the 6th in the last race. This horse was 36-1 im on my last 20 dollars for the weekend I look at my buddies and say “hey if this doesn’t hit can you guys spot me for the rest of the weekend” They say “yeah no problem.”Get up to the window throw 10 on 6 to win then another 10 on 6-5 exacta box we watch the race go off 6 takes this race wire to wire. Walk out with 360 bucks just wish I threw all 20 bucks on the horse. Moral of the story don’t pussy out in bets.

I feel like horseracing guys don't get enough credit around here and maybe that's on me. You guys are a different breed and I mean that in all literal and figurative interpretations. Horseracing guys talk faster. They see numbers differently. The payouts are MASSIVE and the action is just so fucking fast. You could have 8 races in the time it takes to play one football game. And if you're at an OTB, the sky is literally the fucking limit. 

Personally, idk if I can handle all the moving pieces. You have to be so dedicated to being a horseracing guy to actually be one and I don't have that dedication. Not while I'm over here trying to feed a family and get content sponsored. 

This Is The Best Stoolie Ever

Hey Carl, long time stoolie but just happened to stumble upon the blog for the first time. Figured I’d share my story. Actually read all 43 volumes in one sitting. Anyways, a common theme in your replies to stories is the idea of finding a “sports gambling child prodigy”. I think I’m your guy. So this story actually starts when I was 4. Back in the days of cable television, you had to decide which packages to get and what to not get. My dad is a huge sports guy but had no idea what getting the max sports package would end up becoming. He was super excited about all his new channels and being 4, I was just excited that he was excited. So rather than have an outrageous cable bill, he cancelled most other channels, including the major networks that have children as their target audience. While everyone else was watching George Lopez and Drake & Josh, I was watching women’s tennis in the Czech Republic at 2am because it was the only live event on. Since then, as long as it’s live, I’m watching sports. I still miss almost all pop culture references from that time. Fast forward 20 ish years and I’m not your typical stoolie. I don’t have a very active social life especially for a college kid, because I’d rather stay in and just watch a game than go out drinking. I do have a couple friends and I’m not actually weird once you know me. I just don’t act like a lot of other kids. Well it just so happened that my friends got into gambling like normal college kids it turns out. I just didn’t know it. All of a sudden my friends would pop in to talk to me way more often, and the end of the conversation would always be, “oh and what do you think of ~insert biggest game of the night~”. I thought they were just asking because they were trying to be polite and talk about something they knew I cared about. That carries on for a couple weeks and then midterms are over. My friends convince me to go out with them and I oblige since it’s a special occasion yadda yadda. They don’t let me buy a drink all night and they are cheering unreasonably hard for the Cubs in the World Series against the Indians. We’re all from Ohio so it literally made no sense. Except that earlier in the week when it was 3-1 Indians, I said they have no shot to win again until Game 7 and even then the Cubs probably have the upper hand. That night it gets revealed that over a couple months I had made each of them thousands in tips and I had no idea. To say I was pissed was an understatement. I had never gambled on sports. Never even crossed my mind. I just loved watching a good competition and that had been instilled in me from a young age. I had never been in touch with a SportsBook because quite frankly, I don’t leave the futon in front of my TV if I’m not at class. So I opened up my own legal account and it was off to the races. I might be the only person in America who can knowledgeably bet on low tour tennis, and not just because I’m down and it’s Sunday. To put it simply, I found my calling. I was discovered by my parents when my mom called me super frantic thinking I had disappeared because I hadn’t charged my debit card in 2 months. Obviously mom was frantic about gambling but my dad never once said anything about it. Usually he’s the yeller so it was weird. Turns out he bought a boat with gambling money based on picks I had been making from ages 6 to 10. He’s the breadwinner so mom never really questioned that. Nowadays I don’t gamble except for ridiculous parlays on teams I know super well. I hit +600 on Ohio St vs Northwestern this past weekend. Had OSU -27, TT O 39.5, and O51. I just collect my SportsBook money and take fliers like that. I guess the moral of the story is no one cares what you think about a game unless they want to put money on it. And don’t be a shmuck like me. If you know, and you know you know, cash it. I hope to go pro after I graduate from grad school but don’t tell my mom! And my friends definitely cashed those tickets on the Cubs with insane series prices when the Indians were up 3-1. Cleveland had karma coming their way after the Cavs won down 3-1 the year before. Thanks man have a good one.

Usually such extreme behavior is found in other cultures. I won't specify which but you know who the crazies are. The ones that are willing to take a kid from their family so they can be the best gymnast or violin player or whatever to then one day make the country proud performing some extremely specialized skillset for an international audience. JUST A MAGNIFICENT FLOOR ROUTINE FROM THE 15-YEAR OLD ACROBAT AND WE'LL HAVE TO SEE HOW THE JUDGES SCORE IT BEFORE DETERMINING THIS HUMAN BEING'S FATE FOR LIFE. Always a fucked up situation. 

Anyways. 

This kid. 

I love this kid. What a weirdo. What an encyclopedia. I need him just sitting around the Barstool Chicago office doing nothing but watching live sports from now on. Just have a set of eyes on literally every live sporting event around the world.

hey kid what's your job

"I watch things for Carl" Could be worse. Could be getting your shit kicked and losing bets. If that's the case, email me your story: carl@barstoolsports.com

Comments

Top Comments
24

heybighead 12/3/19 5:43 PM

been waiting for this gem since last tuesday

16

smokerock247 12/3/19 9:32 PM

My kid will be watching low tour tennis for his whole life now