If These NFL Teams Were Christmas Songs

Editor's note: It's Carl. This is Dope Ropes. He writes NFL gambling blogs for me and has an affinity for Christmas music history. I know you guys are going to be like Who The Fuck Is This Guy? and that's understandable so I'm going to include this note until those comments die down. He's a talented writer and I like reading his blogs. Apologies for dissent but that's my standard. Enjoy. 

 "The Christmas Shoes" = Cincinnati Bengals

This is also known as the saddest Christmas song of all-time. That's your 1-win 2019 Cincinnati Bengals. 

At least bad teams can cover spreads and give you betting value (Cardinals and Broncos), but that's not the case with the Bengals (5-9 against the spread). They suck, oddsmakers know they suck, and they STILL can't cover.

This song is about a little boy who is trying to buy shoes for his dying mother so that she looks beautiful when she meets Jesus (i.e. dead). The Bengals should have invested in some shoes with ankle support for A.J. Green, because he has milked the ankle all year. After this season, like the mom in the song, he's not coming back.

I'm not sorry. In Week 4, the Bengals conducted an 8-minute drive from the 3rd Quarter into the 4th Quarter down 21 when I was sitting on a CIN +3.5 ticket. Just inexplicably pounded the rock with Joe Mixon, bled clock, and came away with zero points. No risk-taking, no urgency. That's when Zac Taylor got added to my "do not bet" list. Congratulations, now you get the "dead mom" song.

"You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch" = Chicago Bears

Thus far, the Bears have gone 4-10-0 against the spread, which is the worst in the league. If you rode this team all year, you won't even have a can of Who Hash for Christmas.

In this story, the Grinch fucked over the Who's in a big way by attempting to take away the only thing they loved, then all was forgiven by the end and he was invited back to Christmas each year. Nagy and Mitch waited until the season was basically over to show any signs of life on offense, and now with a late surge (if you wanna call it that), Bears fans are supposed to forgive? Whether you like it or not, we'll see Nagy/Mitch next Christmas.

"Last Christmas" by Wham! = Los Angeles Rams

The Rams made the Super Bowl last year, and now they'll likely miss the playoffs. This song is all about giving your heart to the wrong person. The Rams gave their heart (and their bankroll) to a hot-potato-under-pressure Jared Goff and an arthritic-knee-having Todd Gurley. This franchise is in a tough spot long-term and it's gonna be a while before they have equity to invest in someone special.

"Dominick The Donkey" = Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This is a bad song. The Bucs are a bad team. But if you allow yourself to embrace the stupidity, you can have a lot of fun. Maybe Jameis throws three pick-6's, maybe he throw for 400+ yards… maybe he does both. Just saddle up and let this donkey Buc.

I could make a joke about the Bucs' 5-8-1 record against the spread making their backers feel like jackasses, but I'm already fresh off of a bad pun.

"Jingle Bells" by Frank Sinatra = Buffalo Bills

"Jingle Bells" is as simple as it gets. Nothing special. But Frank takes a simple childhood diddy and blows it out into a full-length classic. 

The Bills are not very talented, but Sean McDermott has motivated a roster of overlooked guys and he's making the most out of it to exceed all expectations this year. The Bills are no longer "frisky" or "feisty"… they're a good team. 

They also hold a league-best 9-4-1 record against the spread. Consistently underestimated. If your rode this team all year, that's the equivalent of making BANK off of a "Jingle Bells" recording in one take and banging no fewer than three iconic actresses in the same night. That's some Ol' Blue Eyes pipe-laying that Bills fans can appreciate.

"Joy to the World" by Whitney Houston = Baltimore Ravens

This song fucks heavy.

It's an example of one of the greatest voices of all-time having the opportunity to embrace her roots and do what she does best. This isn't Lamar Jackson last year, inheriting a system designed for Joe Flacco. This is Lamar Jackson this year, surrounded by game-breaking weapons and led by an offensive coordinator in Greg Roman who knows how to make the most of his talents.

Whitney isn't a game manager in this song - she runs up the score. From the 0:45 mark on it's a fucking boat race. Throws for 4 TDs and and gets two more on the ground.

The Ravens aren't just trying to get wins - they want to embarrass you while doing it. That's why they've covered 7 of their last 8. Get out the way and let Lamar cook.