The Eagles Will Lose and Other NFL Week 17 Picks

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If there's one word to describe the NFC East playoff race this year, it's "pathetic."

Instead of clinching the division last week, the Cowboys failed to score a touchdown against the Eagles, then had to stew in their loss on team buses at the Linc for hours until mechanical issues for their flight home could be resolved. That's the most depressing shit I've ever heard, and that's coming from a guy who needed professional help for losing his will to live at age 12.

Here come the picks!

New York Teaser Alert!!!

Pick #1: Giants +10 (teased from +4) AND Jets +7 (teased from +1)

Eagles (8-7) @ Giants (4-11); 3:25pm CT

Action: 56% of bets on Eagles, 55% of money on Eagles

Did we forget that the Eagles are completely mediocre? Ya know, the same team that lost to the Dolphins and squeaked past the Redskins earlier this month?

Last week, 9 out of 10 bets were being placed on the dysfunctional Cowboys at Philadelphia, and with that one win the Eagles have quizzically earned betting respect as a "playoff" team. What changed?

Philly can't cover downfield, and Dak's bum shoulder couldn't test their secondary last week. I'm not gonna let that shift my perspective of the Eagles secondary being a goddamn mess. Danny Dimes and his endless stable of slot receivers who can't ride all the rides at Disneyland will do work.

The big piece going under the radar is that Saquon Barkley needs 89 rushing yards to reach the 1,000-yard mark on the season. With no playoff future, stupid shit like this is what motivates a team like the Giants. They're going to rally around Saquon to play spoiler in front of their home crowd, and the success they find on the ground against Philly's strong D-line will only make things easier for Daniel Jones through the air.

The Giants secondary is a joke too, but the Eagles offense has zero receiving options with functioning bodies to exploit it. If you're an Eagles fan, get ready for another disjointed effort from the offense and the same slowwww start that you've seen all year.

And here's the real beauty of all this: the Eagles will be down by 10 at halftime and psycho Philly fans will burn their city to the ground. The Eagles will lose, but so will the Cowboys, and the Eagles will have no stadium to host their Round 1 playoff game next week as NFC East champions. That's the vomit-inducing ending that this division deserves.

Jets (6-9) @ Bills (10-5); 12pm CT

Action: 64% of bets on Bills, 50% of money on Bills

This game will be disgusting. The Over/Under opened at an insanely low total of 37.5, and professional money steamed it down further to 36.5. When you're dealing with an outrageously low-scoring affair, 7 points goes a very long way. 

I love the Bills, but they're locked into the #5 AFC playoff seed, so this game means shit to them. By the 3rd Quarter, we'll be seeing Matt Barkley and T.J. Yeldon.

The Jets have nothing to play for either, but they live to do one thing - build false hope. They're gonna play their dicks off, beat the playoff-caliber Bills, and finish this season at a "promising" 7-9 record. This will be enough to build positive momentum, and paranoid maniac Adam Gase will invent new ways to rip the guts out of the Jets fan base next year.

Jets fans are miserable fucks, but they can't be miserable fucks without hope. Build hope, shatter dreams, and render miserable fucks. That's the Jets formula. The cycle starts again today.

Bills Mafia, don't sweat this one. You're a winning team - save your most breakable tables and bones for meaningful football next week.

Niners (12-3) @ Seahawks (11-4); 7:20pm CT

Pick #2: Niners -3

Action: 60% of bets on Niners, 70% of money on Niners

I don't care that most bets are on the Niners here. I can't ignore new deficiencies on a Seattle team that has been extremely lucky (opposing team injuries, positive turnover differential, one-possession wins, etc.) in amassing 11 wins this year.

If you're trying to get substances for New Year's Eve and you feel that your dealer is ducking you, it's for good reason: all of the drugs in the world sit with the Seattle Seahawks medical staff. They've got 14 players on this week's injury report (six offensive lineman), and that doesn't include THREE running backs they've put on the injured reserve this month (Penny, Prosise, and Carson). 

With these injuries, the Seahawks won't be able to run, and they won't be able to block. This is a fucking problem against a San Francisco defense that desperately hopes for opposing offenses to abandon the run so they can sell out with the best 4-man pass rush in the league and force hurried throws into their elite secondary. This is exactly what will happen tonight.

And for those who are excited about the return of Marshawn Lynch, let's just remember that his infamous "Beast Quake" run happened at the beginning of this decade. 

It was January 2011. Marshawn was holding his dick into the end zone around the time I was holding my dick to Tori Black. Video resolution was as grainy as the gif above.

Marshawn will definitely break tackles because he's 240 fucking pounds, but his bulk will turn 0-yard runs into 3-yard runs. He has no explosiveness to demand respect from the Niners D. 

Seattle's offense will flounder, and San Francisco's Top-10 offense will feast on Seattle's bottom-10 defense. This is very straightforward - don't overthink it.

Let's get some drinking/cab money for New Year's Eve, and I'll see you for the playoffs.