It's Carl. This is my buddy Dope. He writes NFL stuff in the fall and has asked to get more involved in quarantine so we're going to let him write some blogs because you literally have nothing better going on and he's a good writer that I enjoy. You guys should still rip on him though because I'm absolutely here for it. Fuck you Dope Ropes.
Reminiscing about the NFL is how I cope, so let's hop in the way-back machine to 2011 when the Denver Broncos handed Tim Tebow the keys to the franchise in place of the legendary Kyle Orton.
After a 1-4 record with a clean-shaven Orton (no neck beard, his first mistake), Denver turned to Tebow for his first start of the season as he rolled into Miami to face the 0-5 Dolphins. Out of sheer coincidence, the Dolphins were hosting "Gator Day," commemorating the 2008 Florida Gators National Championship team. They were literally celebrating the opposing QB at halftime. Dolphins gonna Dolphin.
As I was looking to place wagers coming into the week, I did not miss this key detail, and I took DEN -1. It was like Tiger King trying to slip Rachel Starr past me. I was Crow on that shit:
And credit to me as a husband - I didn't even flinch when I saw her. Some of us weren't as lucky:
But back to sports, I knew it was Tebow's destiny to start a gambling tear with this game, so I placed my entire betting account on him in this toilet bowl. Here's how it played out:
Tebow put up 15 unanswered in the last THREE minutes to force overtime. As Prater punched it through for the DEN -1 cover, I was the only human in any Chicago bar jumping on tables. This began a month-and-a-half stretch of Tebow paying for every single drink in the greatest depths of my alcoholism:
Note: Of the 151 points Denver scored above, 111 came in the 2nd Half (74%). #TebowTime
Not only did Tebow line bettors' pockets over this miraculous stretch, but he eventually willed his team to a playoff win that season. And all the while he had as much sex as I had in high school (zero). Tebow was a 2-time National Champion and NFL superstar, and I was on the bowling, tennis, math, and scholastic bowl teams. There was a lot of temptation out there for studs like us, but we were fortunate to both have the moral compass and self-discipline to overcome it.
Some would say it's worth noting that Tebow didn't cover a spread in 5 of his next 6 games following the streak, ultimately culminating in a 45-10 facefucking at the dicks of the Patriots in the Divisional round, but I'm not here to discuss that.
Tim Tebow was the flukiest fluke to have ever succeeded in the NFL. We will never again see a QB go on a run like that despite being objectively bad at the NFL position. His awful mechanics and insane misfires eventually caught up to him, but before the wheels fell off, the dude shat in the mouths of oddsmakers and the public cashed in.