Sunday Sermon: Guys Should Not Listen to Dave Portnoy on How To Slide in DMs

So I was just chilling out, having a nice time in Colorado on the eve of the Barstool Classic (shot a 76 NBD).

Suddenly, a string of very strange messages began to appear in my DMs. A couple, followed by a half dozen more, until it became a flood.

The strangest thing? They all said "I FUCK." And to top it off, most of them had a variation of "Dave Sent Me" attached to it.


I mean, if you DM a girl, "I FUCK" it's the most obvious thing of all time. Of course you fuck (or would jump at almost any opportunity to). You have a PENIS. We women KNOW this. It is not in dispute nor a question in our mind that no matter if we’re a 3 or a 9, if we ask almost any man, he will probably be at least relatively DTF. Or persuadable... PTF

But why on gods green earth are all of you men telling me?

Honestly, I was so confused.

This was the DM equivalent of that kid who was like “I like turtles” 

i like turtles GIF Giphy Images.

Then it hit me: Portnoy. Oh no.

I am not ashamed to say, the first thing that came to my mind was FEDERAL CRIME PART 3 must have dropped and I was unaware of it.

So I went to Twitter, but (thankfully) instead of imitating a 1980s baseball player in a deep batting stance (I'm a Phil Plantier fan myself), Dave dropped a new video on how to slide into a celebrity's DMs.

It turns out our fearless leader's advice for sliding into a celebrity's DMs?

1. Don’t be ugly

2. Be hot.

3. Write I fuck

To be fair, that's probably the best advice anyone's ever going to give for a hot chick trying to get the attention of a famous dude on social.

But … these fuckbois in my DMs? They must not know math, because they CLEARLY skipped Numbers 1 and 2 and went STRAIGHT to Number 3. 

Boys, Number 3 will never, ever work if you don't have Number 1 and 2 in SPADES.

Down the road I'll write about how a normal dude can getter better at sliding, but in this case, I will give a couple of examples of slides I got tonight that were much better than I FUCK.

1. I can make it rain … from 3

2.  My cross over is NASTY… and so is my mind

3. Hello… I entangle

4. Check Barstool Sports DM

So as much as I appreciate the shots from the boys in the back, make sure you listen to the ENTIRE set of instructions before shooting your shot. Because "I FUCK" is never going to work, and will likely end up with you getting blocked.

The bottom line is, "I FUCK" is the written equivalent of a dick pic, and you already know what I think of those. 

Unless you look and are built like Chris Hemsworth (See Steps 1 & 2) you got to be funny or original (or better yet both) in the DMs. And then maybe you when you write "I FUCK" it'll actually be a declaration of truth rather than a statement of hope.