IM COMING HOME, IM COMING HOME:
Give whoever runs the Baltimore Ravens graphic department a raise for this one.
Uber Driver —— picked up Marlon Humphrey, —–, and two other unknown females, near the strip area of the University of Alabama. —- began driving to Hotel Capstone when Humphrey asked to borrow a cell phone cable to charge his phone. —– handed Humphrey his personal charging cable. When the vehicle arrived at Hotel Capstone, Humphrey refused to give the cable back to —- and grabbed several other cables from inside the vehicle. Humphrey and —- exited the vehicle, and —- attempted to recover his property. Humphrey refused to give —- his property, and elbowed — in the side, not leaving a mark or doing any personal injury. Humphrey also balled up his fist, and acted like he wanted to fight — if —- continued trying to retrieve his property. When Humphrey exited the vehicle, he damaged additional property belonging to —.
UAPD Officers arrived at the scene, and found Humphrey inside the Hotel Capstone, holding —- cell phone cable. Humphrey and —– stated that the cable belonged to Humphrey, but officers noticed, the cable did not fit Humphrey’s phone.
When you dream about college as a high school kid you imagine yourself hooking up with every girl in sight. It’s just four years of you having sex, drinking booze, and having the best time of your life. Your life is going to be Blue Mountain State x 100000. It gets you through the hard times of high school, like when your prom date refers to you guys as “friends” in an Instagram post. Eventually, when you get to college, you realize it’s nothing like this, so you begin to tell yourself the story of “just wait until I come back to this place as a graduate. I’ll be rolling in pussy! Just like Marlon Humphrey, bringing 3 girls back to a hotel!” Of course, this scenario is minus the whole robbery charge and just like the story you told yourself in high school about college, it’ll never happen.
That whole blurb was more therapy for myself, but it doesn’t take away from Marlon Humphrey’s night in Alabama. Imagine being an NFL player, coming back to your old school, going to a fraternity house, taking three chicks to your hotel, only to be arrested for allegedly stealing a $15 charger. Is this the worst blue balling of all time?
Hey, Marlon, keep your head up, it’s all a part of the process, right?